The government really needs to get a grip

Especially when Iraqi drug-dealers are getting themselves tattooed with half-naked women to avoid being deported and judges are ignoring guidelines issued by the Home Secretary and continuing to make up their own version of what laws (don’t actually) say. A cap on legal aid would be a good start.

Easy, when you know how

The Mythbusters had a hell of a job setting fire to one of their volunteer dummies using a taser, but members of the Devon & Cornwall Constabulary seem to have had little difficulty with one of their customers, who subsequently died of the burns inflicted when his petrol-soaked clothing went up in flames.

Is it a safe distance, though?

I note that Wanda Maddock gave her interview to the Daily Disaster – about how she was sent to gaol in secret by a British secret court without getting the option to tell her side of the story – from her home in Turkey. And the EU has the cheek to complain about Turkey’s ’uman rights record.

What comes after “boggling”?

I’m still trying to get my head around the fact that some guy made 50 million quid out of selling fake bomb detectors to government officials in Iraq and Afghanistan. That’s some super sales job if no one tested them, or he was able to bribe anyone who looked like he had 2 brain cells to rub together!

Stay safe, don’t get involved.

I’ve always associated Buddhism with peaceful pathways and life’s passive resistors. But it seems that Buddhist monks are directing arson, robbery and murder against Moslems in Burma. Which only goes to show that the safest policy is to give anyone who belongs to a weird religion the widest possible berth, and to shoot to kill without hesitation if they start to come toward you.

On the ball!

Great little advert in the Daily Disaster – Iceland offering a job to the Sainsbury’s employee, who bought lots of bread at Iceland to fill empty shelves at his Sainsbury Local, where they charge over 50% more for the same product.

Burglars beware!

I have had to install an extra safe for the benefit of staff at the Mansion who want to store their collections of gold coins where they can gloat over them conveniently. It has “ferocious” security precautions against unauthorized intruders, we have been assured. Which is good news if the price of gold drops further and the safe becomes fuller.

How far can a wheeled bin go?

A member of the Mansion’s staff put one on a hill-top in a gale clocked at 72 mph and, when last seen, it was floating down a river 380 yards away, according to a golf-course range-finder.

Unintended consequences
17th April 2013

I happened to see a spot of baseball in passing last night – San Diego versus the LA Dodgers on ESPN America – and I suddenly realized that everyone was wearing the number "42".
    “It’s Douglas Adams Day,” one of the audience told me when I mentioned it.
    No doubt the descendants of the American guy who wore the number would be quite dischuffed to know that. (6-3 Padres final, ending a 5-match losing streak.)

It’s only the council, no one will notice

There’s no question that local councils employ some of the biggest idiots around. The trouble is, they seem to go out of their way to employ even bigger idiots, upon whom they shower vast amounts of public money. Like the idiots at Swindon council, who employed a gang of jobbing yellow-line painters, who put two sets in alleys about a yard and a bit wide “to prevent parking in them”.

Oh, Dear, How Sad, Ha, Ha! Again

Don’t you just love it when some petty-minded scumbags’ plan goes agley? What fun to read in today’s Daily Disaster that the bozos who planned to burn Mrs. Thatcher in effigy at the weekend were frustrated because torrential rain left their structure too wet to burn.

The news before it’s made!

“BBC coverage of the Thatcher funeral lightweight and totally inadequate” is my prediction for the verdict on Wednesday’s TV effort. Having got that off my chest, a word about . . . gadgets. Does any normal person really need an electric tin opener? How many tins without a ring pull does the average person meet in a week? One? Two? And after a spot of stock-taking at the Mansion, I found absolutely no “electric tins” in the Thatcher cupboards.

Banana skin avoided

It was a rather daft thing for the FA to suggest staging a one-minute silence for the late Baroness Thatcher, who wasn’t exactly famous for pretending she ever gave a rat’s apparatus about footy. But the decision not to indulge in another bogus grief-fest has, as least, denied the usual scumbags another opportunity for displaying bad manners.

Politicized Plod

One thing the police have become very good at recently is inventing hate crimes; anything to avoid tackling real crime. Curiously, they haven’t done anything about the people organizing death parties and other hate events following the death of former PM Margaret Thatcher. But maybe it’s not too curious, given that police forces are led by graduates of the New Labour Academy of Luvvie Political Correctitude.

The usual scumbags

Death parties and riots to mark the passing of Margaret Thatcher? Really? But just look who are behind it all. Communists, Socialist Shirkers, kids who weren’t old enough to skive off school when Mrs. Thatcher was evicted from No. 10, Irish terrorists, trade unionists resentful at the loss of their blackmail power, members of Labour’s client culture who were dipping into the public purse, et al. So not Type One people by any manner of means.

ESPN Sucks II

Even more discontent at the Mansion. One of the staff has had an email from ESPN in response to a complaint. Apparently, “it is not our priority to show every race live” when it comes to Indy Car racing. Which leaves us wondering why they bothered to bid for the coverage in the first place.

Did Margaret Thatcher do a good job?

The answer has to be “Yes” when you review the list of scumbags and leftie tow-rags offering up a final shower of abuse. If she upset them, then she did do a good job. And just imagine how empty their sad little lives will be now that they can no longer pretend that Maggie can hear their rants.

ESPN Sucks

Much discontent at the Mansion. ESPN has taken over Indy Car racing from Sky. The first race of the season was well covered but what did we get this weekend? No live coverage yesterday. Highlights in the middle of the night. Shorter highlights tomorrow evening, 2 days after the event. Clearly, ESPN’s schedule of repeats is far to important to disturb with anything new.

Obsessed with unnecessaries

One of the staff has had a communication from the Prime Monster – Dave the Leader himself. Dave wants him to fill in a rather large questionnaire to give Dave guidance on what the people think are priorities for the country and individual voters. Inevitably, there’s a question on whether homosexuals should be given special rights. My employee was about to tick the “strongly disagree” box when I pointed out that if he did that, Dave’s underling would scrap the form to get rid of dissenting views. So he binned the whole thing and moved on.

I was wrong, I admit it

I always suspected that Dave Cameron was a bit of a nutter. But he ain’t. He’s a LOT of a nutter if he thinks North Korea has nuclear missles, which could reach the British Isles. I wonder if Tony B. Liar ever told him the one about Saddam’s Weapons of Mass Destruction – the ones which could be used against us at 4-5 minutes’ notice. Sounds like something else dopey Dave would believe.

More diversity than you can shake a stick at

Reading the Daily Disaster is a wonderfully educational experience. Today, I discovered that the police are designating parks and common land as Public Sex Environments. In the bad old days, only homosexuals could be allowed to hump one another in the bushes. But the police seem to have extended their outdoor rights to everyone else – no doubt in response to a new Dogging Diversity Directive. In addition, PSE clients also seem to be exempt from litter laws with regard to used condoms.

The race is on!

The latest review of what the police get up to has found that rapists and serial burglars routinely get away with a caution. And that’s not likely to be the end of it. Which police “service”, I ask myself, will claim the dubious honour of being the first to let a murderer get away with a caution? And is the next logical step for coppers to demand a share of the haul from a bank robbery as part of the deal for letting the blaggers walk?

One you missed, Mr. Spielberg

I was watching “Jaws” on the Syfy channel (what was it doing there??) last night and when our hero blew up the shark at the end, I was left thinking: “What if all the blood and bits attract a whole bunch of other sharks? And there’s our hero with his boat sunk under him.” Now, that would have been a really dramatic ending, an enormous feeding frenzy!

No kidding!

I thought this was the April Fool story when I read that the UK’s temperature records started in 1960 (!!!) and that’s why the Met Office reckons that Easter Sunday was “the coldest on record”. Maybe someone should tell the Department of Global Warming that they’ve won the war and GW is dead and, therefore, the government should stop piling on bogus Green stealth taxes.